Imagine a world where I, the lowly editor of Stuff, was granted the authority to dictate policy with respect to triathletes and their cycling etiquette.  Unlikely you say?  Well Lance Armstrong is finally admitting to being a total douche, so pigs have flown and it’s a brave new world.

I would no doubt introduce many rules, but I would remain vigorously consistent within the premise that triathlon is not one sport, but three unique sports rolled into one.  As such, I would insist that all triathletes honor and respect as many of the tenants of pure cycling as possible.  Here are four of the rules that would definitely be on my list.

1.  TRIATHLON KIT IS FOR RACING

Except as excluded**, triathletes (also referred to as “rider(s)”) shall never partake in non-race cycling activities in triathlon kit.  “Triathlon kit” includes: triathlon shorts, tops, one piece racing suits, aero-helmets and calf compression sleeves.  Sleeveless cycling jerseys, while not specifically banned, should be avoided solely for the sake of good taste.

Instead, cycling activities should be conducted in proper and traditional cycling clothing:  bib shorts, full zip cycling jerseys, traditional helmet and cycling specific base layers, arm warmers, knee/leg warmers and socks.  Though triathlon specific cycling shoes may be worn, it is strongly recommended that three strap shoes that buckle to the outside be worn if at all possible.

When picking cycling clothing, replica pro-team kit should always be avoided.  After all, nobody would play softball in full Red Sox gear or play soccer with their kids in a replica of David Beckham’s 2006 Real Madrid uniform.  The reason for this is simple – if a rider is actually good enough to race for a pro-team (and thus be granted team kit for free), he or she wouldn’t be doing triathlon.  Although a rider is completely free to wear non-branded cycling clothing, it is strongly recommended that riders join either a local triathlon or cycling club and wear their kit.

** Triathlon kit may be worn for brick workouts, though it is strongly recommended that a cycling jersey also be worn while on the bike.  New aero-helmets may be road tested only once, either within a week of purchase or no longer than two weeks before a race.  Since there is no clear way to communicate intent while “testing” an aero-helmet, the rider assumes all risk for any shaming they may endure for wearing said helmet on a training ride.

2.  IF YOUR BIKE HAS AEROBARS, USE THEM

Aerobars (especially clip-on aerobars) look stupid on a bike unless they are being properly used by a rider engaged in the so-called “aero-position”.  This means that unless a rider is a) warming up, b) cooling down, c) climbing a hill longer than 300 meters and/or steeper than a 2% or 3% grade, or d) “soft pedaling” between brutal interval efforts, a rider should always be riding in the aero-position.  In an instance when a rider is caught out of the aero-position and is not currently engaged in any of the above exclusions, said rider shall never use the excuse that he/she is out simply riding for base mileage, and should just own the mistake instead.  The sole exception to this rule is that aerobars should never be used while riding in a group.

In all cases, whether using clip on aerobars or a time trial cockpit with a base bar, aerobars should consist of two separate extensions.  Those one piece curved configurations were cool in Greg LeMond and Dave Scott’s day, which was a long time ago.

3.  NOT EVERY TRAINING RIDE IS A TIME TRIAL

Though time trialing skills are critical to a successful triathlon attempt, not every training ride needs to be a time trial.  This means that riders should not be compelled to a) monitor their cadence and heart-rate/power output during every second of their ride(s), b) pass every cyclist they encounter with extreme prejudice, c) ignore traffic signals and stop signs in favor of the clock, and d) plan all rides in 20, 40, 90 or 180 KM distance increments.

4.  ROADS ARE REAL

Though stationary trainers have their place in any good cycling regimen, nothing beats time in the saddle ridden outside on the road**.  Though I will admit that there is a certain undeniable attraction to pedaling as hard as possible to get nowhere all while watching videos of riders that are much more talented, it is extremely likely that every triathlete lives by an actual road that is waiting to be ridden.  Step away from the Computrainer.

** Exceptions may be made for those who live in a climate that experiences the curious season called “winter”.  And if a rider does live in such place and maintains a cycling schedule with a time volume comparable to the volume achieved in the more favorable seasons, such rider shall be deemed “hard as nails”